I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
