dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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