I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
