Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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