I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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