What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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