Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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