my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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