I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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