I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
