Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize