...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
