I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
