End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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