was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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