i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
