Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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