And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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