I just threw up on my dentist
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
