Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
