apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
