i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
