my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
