that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
