Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
