Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
