I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
