peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
