I can tuck mytits in my pants
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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