I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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