I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am available for nakedness
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
