The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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