i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
