my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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