Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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