The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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