hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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