You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
