I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
