I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
