GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
