cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
