you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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