just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
