Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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