i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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