i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
