I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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