I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
