it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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