She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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