I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
