we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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