you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
