There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
