Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
