Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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