Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize