I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
