just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
