We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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