I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
