I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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