i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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